She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
