My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I got inside last night via doggy door
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
