Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
