i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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