im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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