Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
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