Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
