I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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