i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
