Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
