my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
