We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
