Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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