you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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