It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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