I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
