non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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