He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
