i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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