and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
