apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
