Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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