I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
