It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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