i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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