At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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