have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
