well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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