so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
