don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
