you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
