im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
