Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
