cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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