It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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