I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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