ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Randomize
