Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
