I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
