i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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