btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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