I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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