Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
