I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
