med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
