i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
