i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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