On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
