I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
