M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
