did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
