I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
