Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
