how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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