my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Randomize
