somebody snuck up and got me drunk
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
