I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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