i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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