There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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