We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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