Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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