I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm passing your future prison.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
